Blow successfully

With only a year left of school, I am getting antsy for a real job. Although I am highly grateful for the salon, I am so sick of lame hourly jobs without any benefits or perks. However, the whole job interview process makes me nervous. In essence, you are stuck in a room for about 15-30 minutes just selling yourself to a person higher on the food chain. It's basically a huge dog and pony show just to win a chance to bust your ass for pocket change every 2 weeks. I cant wait. To help out my fellow friends who may be in the same boat as me, I have posted a list of things not to say when interviewing.

1. " Does your health plan cover abortion? If so, can I start today? "
2. "Is Jesus considered a personal reference?"
3. When I get nervous, I like to picture the other person naked, with their junk in my mouth."
4." I dont like to brag about competitive offers-let's just say I've had some interest from a company that rhymes with Fluger Cling."
5. "my motto: Work hard, Play hard- or as the Nazis say, Arbeit macht frei."
5. (winking) Why I have no idea how that $5.00 bill just appeared on your desk
6. " My work ethic is so strong, it's practically Asian."
7. " Where I come from, that kind of question will get you shot.
8. Think of me as the Hamburger Helper to your skillet of ground workload.
9. "What the hell is this Microsoft Word everyone keeps talking about?"
10. Do me a kindness and scratch beneath my carpal tunnel splints."
11. Do you have a speakerphone? My Lawyer would like to be involved."
12. "If I smell like Cheez-Its, it's just because I love them so freakin' much!"
13. (winking) Why I have no idea how that $5.00 bill just appeared on your desk."
14. "Sorry I'm late. I could have sworn you said San Fran."
15. Mind if I bunk here till i straighten my housing situation out?"
16. "WOuld it be possible if you could pay me in cash? I am kinda laying low right now."
17. It doesnt matter where I'd be in 5 years because aliens will have inseminated us all by then, right?
18. Funny, everyone who reads my resume always hones right in on the manslaughter.
19, I really look forward to abandoning my dream at your corporation,
20. Let's just cut to the chase: Who and Where is the office slut?
21. My E-meter readings are on the back,
22. Is that a picture of your family? Man, your wife's uterus much be totally blown out!"
23. I guess you can say I am a professional whistle-blower.
24. Im not big on couches. Can I cop a squat?
25. (Answering cell) "Sorry, I gotta grab this. Could be my rabbi.
26 Why yes, it is a fake beard.
27. If you Google me, just be warned that there's a sexual predator who happens to share my name and Facebook page.
28. Allow me to answer that with a tambourine solo.
29. Does the Dyke tattoo on my forehead conform to your dress code?
30. Wow. THis Valium just kicked in.
31. I just need to make enough money not to hate myself for selling out.
32. The crabs rangoon are for both of us, you know.
33. Is that sore on my forehead still running?
34. Youre not going to make me take one of those fucking anger management seminars are you?
35. Is this a Christian workplace or am I going to have my work cut out for me?
36. I have one word for you: Mensa."
37. i'd like to apologize for all the future projectile vomiting you're about to experience.
38. I dont have a last name of address for my last boss but I do have his beeper number.
39. Got $3.00? Ill hit you back when you hire me."
40. I'll take this cap off when the Cubbies when the Series and not a day sooner.
41/ When I said a retard could do this job, of course I mean a highly functioning retard."
42. So what kind of company is Apple?"
43. My qualifications? Isnt that one of those prejudiced questions youre not allowed to ask?
44. If the preparation instructions for Hot Pocket count as my favorite book, then yes, I have a favorite book."
45. To be quite honest, as soon as I earn enough money for calf implants, I am gone."
46. My ideal supervisor would be a surrogate for the mommy who never had time for me."
47. Under 'education' can I just put "the streets'"?
48. I think I am a real team player- just as long as no one touches my hair."
49. If I could be any historical figure? Skeletor."
50. I have one more special skill not listed on my resume, if you'll just draw the curtains..."