I hate the holidays. There is so much pressure to please family you don't particularly like and spend money you definitely do not have. To ease the tension this year, I have posed a list of gift ideas for all those stressing to find the perfect present. Feel free to add to the list.
1. A partially stamped Subway "Sub Club" card.
2. A $50 gift certificate to Planned Parenthood.
3. A postcard that reads: ON VACATION IN BAHAMAS. WILL SEND GIFT FROM AIRPORT.
4. A bottle of Old Grand- Dad Whiskey with the note, " For when you fall off the wagon!"
5. A cracked DVD of Miracle on 34th street with a note, "Return to Library after finishing, thanks."
6. A hint: your breath all stanky" post-it note.
7. A blurry Polaroid photo of a defiled toilet with a note that says, " I know it was you!"
8. A Google Earth shot of the recipient's childhood home.
9. A handmade coupon entiling bearer to "Unlimited Forgiveness Upon Accepting Christ as Personal Savior."
10. A $1 gift card to the Dollar Store.
11. A pack of gold paper plates that read, it's Joshua's Bar Mitzvah.
12. A nacho-cheese-scented candle.
13. A thong stamped with your corporate logo.
14. A video of you playing air guitar to, "Do they know it's Christmas?"
15. A tank top with the words WENCH in puffy paint written across the front.
16. A detailed map of the local bomb shelters with pictures of a family member you detest super imposed as the unabomber and a note attached, "just saying".
17. One developmentally delayed foster child.
18. A Swiss Miss cocoa packet you've stuffed with marshmallows picked from other Swiss Miss cocoa packets.
19. The keychain floatie that came with your Nautica jacket.
20. A Christmas wreath fashioned out of Splenda packets.
21. A jarful of sand from your recent Savannah Shore vacation.
22. A hardcover edition of "We wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families: Stories from Rwanda," by Phillip Gourevitch, with the inscription, Just as long they kill the Kin-Laws too, right? Merry Christmas!
23. A box filled with one corn holder, earplug, antique chopstick, ski pole, and a defibrillator paddle.
24. "Absolutely nothing since I worked for what I have and believe others should, too."
25. Deployment orders to Iraq.
26.: Footloose on LaserDisc.
27. A charcoal sketch pf you doing aerobics.
28. a "World's Horniest Human" mug.
29. A book of solved New York Times crossword puzzles, with the answers whited- out.
30. A soap dispenser, freshly ripped from the men's room wall.
31. One hamster, two tiny reindeer horns.
32. A replica light saber, "because I saw how you were eyeing mine."
33. Whatever is available in the vending machine.
34. A copy of the, " I really miss you and need you back" mix tape you made for your college ex back in college.
35. A $100 donation, in your recipient's name, made out to your own college fund.
36. A box of matzo for "the Jew."
37. A "Sex Machine" vanity license plate for your coworker's wheelchair,
38. The sixth draft of your first screenplay.
39. Two copies of enRoute, Air Canada's in-flight magazine.
40. a gently used savedarfur.org koosh ball.
41. A pair of slippers you found along the highway.
42. an Every Day is Earth Day reusable grocery bag.
43. One free oboe lesson.
44. an e-greeting from Michael Moore.
45. A shot glass filled with Motrin.
46. "Inter-office Emails: The best of 2007," printed and staple-bounded.
47. A list of death-row inmates desperately in need of pen pals.
48. A spoken letter to your future self, recorded on a cassette tape when you were 11.
49. The beige cardigan the receptionist used before she was fired.
50. One half-eaten triscit.
51. Your 2000 page novel about the dissolution of a marriage that "could really use some line edits."
52. An invitation to touch your biceps (once).
53. A litter of feral cats.
54. The "Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex" with key positions circled and annotated,
55. A note that reads: Um, you're not fired, that's your fucking Christmas Present."
