How one bad tag line can cause choas

Being in the business of making ads, I realize how important it is to get inside consumers heads. Unfortunately, not all companies share mutual feelings. Apparently, Protor and Gamble is one of them. This is an ACTUAL letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's long but well worth the read.

Dear Mr. Thatcher:

I have been a loyal user of your “Always” maxi-pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak-Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flex-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be aerodynamic. I can' t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from “Aunt Flo.” Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words, “Have a Happy Period.”

Are you fu**ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness — actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well…did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi-pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong,” or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t.. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.


Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best Webmail-award-winning letter.

Remember when SNL was funny?

Sad Eddie didn’t win the Oscar this evening. He is very talented and a comic genius in my book

Can someone say obsessed?

Because that is what I am with Entourage. I woke up Saturday morning around 9, having every intention of spending the entire day devoted to school. I made the mistake of turning on the television only to see HBO was hosting an Entourage marathon. I convinced myself I could stop watching after one episode. Yea, half a season later and I was still sitting on my couch. I think I love Entourage as much (dare I say) as my girls, Sex and the City. I love how close the boys are- they remind me of my girlfriends.

The rest of the weekend was nice- nothing too exciting but nice. I met up with both my best friend, my Morgan, and my Ty, tonight to work at Midtown’s Starbucks. Morgan told me another one of our friends is knocked up. We know 2 other girls who have gotten knocked up- just this past month! This makes me wonder- with all the latest medical options that prevent pregnancy from occurring, how are these women becoming pregnant? Did they miss 8th grade sex-ed class and forget about protection? Or did they use protection and still end up pregnant? These are the things I think about. I feel bad for these girls- I would just die if I was in their shoes.

I am writing this blog while watching the Oscars. So boring this year. None of the dresses are that great either. I hate when rich and famous people dress bad. Such a waste. However, Penelope’s dress is amazing. Damn, I really hate her too.

Nothing more to say

Loves,
mer

why cant more men be like Ari

love him!

kinda lame, kinda funny

A Few Good Ads

Dying slowly

I am struggling on a class assignment right now. I seriously want to give up and go get drunk somewhere so I can forget I ever had to do this stupid project. Too bad this is not an option. But to celebrate my frustration, I found the perfect quote of the day from a man much wiser than me.

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try." Homer J. Simpson

Seriously, this sucks.

my fav song right now

Nothing really to say except I had a really great weekend. Looking forward to the next one.

Notorious always makes everything better

It is well known that Garden Spiders suck the living right out of their prey. All too many times, grasshoppers will be minding their own business, jumping around without a care in the world... then BAM! They land in the middle of a web, fighting to break loose. The spider, showing no mercy, immediately spins the victim into a mummy-like cocoon of silk, then bites through the cocoon to suck out all the poor grasshopper's juices- very slowly I may add.

This weekend, out of nowhere, I faced the fate of a grasshopper. Last weekend, I was so happy, everything was going great, everyone was all friendly. As soon as Monday hit, I fell right into the middle of that web, fighting every which way to get out. It first started with a fight with a friend followed by the sadness of 2 other friends. And as a special bonus, all of this occurred way before Friday even came around.

Friday night, after a very stressful week, I worked out on the Stairmaster for about 40 minutes. I secretly was hurting and wanted to stop 20 minutes into my exercise. However, due to my best friend being in the room, I wanted to appear tough and vigorous. I kept stepping on, even after my knees screamed, "We hate you." Somewhere around 35 minutes later, they went on strike and gave out. I ended up collapsing and hitting my chin on the monitor. Seriously, that has never happen to me.

To reward myself, I met up with Morgan at the Dark Horse Tavern. For some reason, the beer belly drunkards with their smoke-smelling bodies all around us made us engage in a long, deep, meaningful conversation about life. In the middle of "...no my week sucked more..." a balding, cigar smoking man approached Morgan. He explained his friend had been married for 10 years and was having a rough evening. He asked Morgan if she would humor the married man for one simple moment. She said, "fine, but just for a minute." The dirty old basted (who had the same likings and size of Mini Me) walks over and begins to talk to the two of us. I look at both of his hands and it was clear the man had no sign of his wedding band. When I asked the man where his band was, he became extremely silent for about 30 seconds. Then he looked at Morgan with a blank face and explained, "my wife and I are separated?" Clearly the man thought we were idiots. He leaves, but not before he gropes Morgan and tells her, I just was trying to get some p-----------.

The evening was not a total disaster- I did run into Joe and reconnected with another PC kid. I thought the PC boy did not have any type of personality- turns out the joke was on me. He was actually very charming to say the least. Probably he was trying to get some play, but still his charm took me by a pleasant surprise.

Saturday morning I wake up to this burning sensation in my left eye. It hurt too much to open and I could feel tons of crust on the outside. I ran to the mirror only to discover a very pink eye- nasty. I had antibiotic drops so luckily the redness went away (but not for very long). I tried to perk my spirits up with a Grande Light Coffee Frapachhino, 86 the cream. I went pay only to realize my wallet and all my means of payment had been stolen. Score.

I went and saw Smoking Aces- this movie does not deserve any more attention than it already has gotten- but must I just say- Jeremy Piven, you disappoint me- Was it really necessary to be as ugly and drugged out as you were? And you could have not gotten any hot women to play the part as your whores? If the movie is going to suck, at least give me something pleasant to look at. Honestly.

Sunday is when the spider quits toying with my emotions and goes in for the kill. I wake up to a very tragic text delivered at 830 in the morning. My best friend gave me some disheartening news. The news, which is neither here nor there really upset me and tore out my heart. I spent the entire morning crying my pink eyes out. I eventually got up and met my mother at mass. Naturally, she begins lecturing me on something insignificant- something about late or something. Wasnt really paying attention. Her timing is always absolutely perfect. At mass, I asked God for some guidance. Turns out guidance comes in a Black Pinot Noir bottle, marked with an A and can be found in Après Diem. It was a wonderful evening and a nice distraction to an otherwise horrible day. Too bad too much guidance almost made me puke at 230 this morning.

Hoping this week is better.

Loves,

mer

Let there be light

For my best girl, Kim

If ever you feel lost, seek the girls for advice, laughter, and most of all, love. Love you!

Loves!
mer

David Sedaris- my new favorite writer

I am currently reading "Me talk Pretty One Day." I love it. Sedaris is such a wonderful storyteller.

So blah today

M weekend was so great. I spent the majority of the weekend with the PC crowd. The more I hang out with them, the more I love them- well most of them that is. Thursday night we all headed over to Halo. Kinda of a mellow scene but I was amongst good company. Mike met my fab PC friends and everyone totally hit it off. I love that. Nothing too exciting happened there- however I did have a bottle of water fall on my foot. Some glass got into my ankle and some blood was shed- typical mer evening.

Friday, my better half, Ty assisted me in a photo shoot. Joe's artistic face was my subject. It was a little intimidating to work a camera around him- not going to lie. Both the boys were such a huge help though. For my first time attempting to take a professional picture I think I did aright.

Friday night- I went over to Becca's to get ready. We went out to CJs, which I hate, but it actually become more exciting as the night progressed. Somewhere between walking upstairs and grabbing my coat to leave, I got lost in the crowd and thrown into unexpected chaos. It definitely gave me a nice little rush for a minute. I need to look for those moments more. I miss them.

talk later
Loves!
mer

You knew you grew up in the 80s if...

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE"
2. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" and can do the Carlton.
3. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishlysexy.
4. Two words: Hammer Pants.
5. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
6. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side. 7. You wore stone washed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
8. L.A.Gear....need I say more?
9. You remember reading "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing" and all the Ramona Quimby books.
10. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF."
11. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (Some of us...head-to-toe).
12. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
13. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence. 14. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes (and probably in neon colors, too)
15. After you saw "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I 16. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up."
17. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
18. You never got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
19. You have played with a Skip-It.
20. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
21. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
22. "Don't worry, be happy."
23. You wore, like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
24. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do).
25. You remember boom boxes.
26. You remember Alf, the li'l furry brown alien from Melmac.
27. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool.
28. You know all the words to Bon Jovi's "SHOT THROUGH THE HEART."
29. (You just sang those words to yourself.)
30. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird. Oh yeah............it will never be that good again
31. Homemade Levi shorts... (The shorter the better.)
32. You remember when mullets were cool!
33. You had a mullet!
34. You still sing "We are the World."
35. You tight rolled your jeans. (french cuffed)
36. You owned a banana clip.
37. You remember "Where's the Beef?
38. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
39. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
You're still singing "Shot through the Heart" in your head, aren't you!!!

loves!

mer


"All of us get lost in the darkness, dreamers learn to steer by the stars" Bob Dylan