Conniving up creative, revengeful and merciless way to destroy someone’s life is an art, an ability not everyone can achieve, or so the Sopranos and the Godfather would like us to believe. It can take months, sometimes years, to plan the perfect, ruthless antidote. Growing up with a Sicilian mother I quickly became acquainted with the mafia. When my family gets together for holidays, our stories do not consist of those sweet, heartfelt, tearjerker memories. Instead, we sit around drinking bottles of vino and stuffing our mouths with cannolis while my cousins glorify my grandfather, boasting details about his days working and revenging against Al Capone. I try to ask my mother for details of my grandfather’s life, anything that would give me sufficient bragging rights. But the only thing I can get out of my mother is, “Forget about it. Not worth talking about.”When I called to wish my friend, Sherry, a happy 25, I anticipated loud, piercing screams streaming through my Razor. Upon dialing, I could already hear the obnoxious bragging about her “blinding and very expensive” engagement ring she so sure was getting the evening before. 2 months prior, Seann, Sherry’s boyfriend of 7 years, walked in to find Sherry and another man performing similar scenes from A Night in Paris. Apologies were made and forgiveness was given almost immediately. All of her friends, me included, never really gave it a second thought considering we all know how “special” Seann is. And by “special” I mean really, really dumb.
At the age of 15, Seann’s father died leaving Seann millions in trust funds. Seann was not supposed to receive a penny until the ripe age of 30. The weekend before Sherry turned 25, she receives a call from dumbass himself.
Seann: Yo! So I was all talking to my mother today? And she was all, dude, you have been working really hard lately and its about time you cash in those trust funds. So, babe I was thinking for your birthday we should totally celebrate or whatever.
Sherry: OH MY GOD BABY! Are you serious?
Seann: Yea, so I was thinking? Maybe you should let me plan your birthday dinner or whatever. I’ve already got a baby blue box ready for you.
Sherry (in a very squeaky voice, you know, the voice only dogs can understand): OH MY GOD!? Really?
Seann: So like you should dress really, really nice or whatever.
Of course, Sherry calls me 2 minutes after totally freaking out. The whole time all I can think is, WTF? A girl cheats on her boyfriend and she still gets Tiffany’s? Where the hell is the justice?
Turns out justice can be found conveniently in Atlanta’s Blue Point. They arrive at the restaurant at 7:30 and sit down in the back. Seann tells her, “Babe, this is my birthday gift to you so I'll take care of the ordering this evening.” In the course of the night Seann orders one bottle of Crystal, 4 tequila shots, three Jack and Cokes, and two very strong Cosmos. They share 2 orders of Sushi rolls, calamari (which is my favorite thing on the menu), 2 Fillet Minions, and desert. Just as they are about to finish, Seann grabs Sherry’s hand and says, “I need to ask you something very important.” He reaches in his coat breast pocket but pulls out empty handed. “Fuck. I left my present in the car. I’ll be 2 seconds.” He runs out of the restaurant to which Sherry tipsy text messages me, “He abot 2 aks me.” She takes lipstick and coats her lips with a dab of shine at the same time the waiter drops off a baby blue box. Inside a note is discovered, “You like getting fucked bitch?”
Mortified Sherry gasps so loudly everyone begins to stare. She looks around and since Seann is no where to be seen, calls his cell. It rings once followed by his voicemail. “You like to get fucked, don’t you bitch! Thanks for the dinner. Happy birthday slutty.” Beeeeep. Sherry resorts back to 5 years old, sobbing uncontrollably and very, very loudly. She calls again. Voicemail comes on after the first ring, again. “Are you crying bitch? Are you fucking kidding me? You wasnt crying that night you fucked Jason? Stop your fucking crying sluttina. So pathetic. And yo, if this is anyone else calling, ya like just leave a message and I’ll call you back or whatever.” Beeeeep.
The dinner only came to like $3 or $400.00 but the memory is priceless. I am so proud of my Seann. I would never believe he could do something so creative, so conniving, let alone keep it a secret for 2 months. Whenever I ask about that evening, Seann just smiles coyly and says, “Forget about it.”
Loves!
mer
